I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
