im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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