Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
