normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
