And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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