It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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