I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
