Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
