The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
