meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
