Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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