I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The uberlube is also flammable
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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