Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
