That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
