the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
