Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
