Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
