Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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