Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
