if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
