um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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