every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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