So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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