I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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