I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
