it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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