it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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