Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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