We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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