Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
