the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
