i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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