worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
