i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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