If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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