I think I died a long time ago.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She's the barista slut.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
