You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
