Banned from zoo.
Again?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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