You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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