I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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