We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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