i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
