plz talk dirty to me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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