Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
