I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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