Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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