3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
how does that bad decision feel?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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