After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
