Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
