I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
