my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
