The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
