Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
