I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
