I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
should my penis look like a turkey
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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